Image'I've watched Fatima Whitbread crawl along the edge of straight razor. It was pretty good.'
The Daily Mash, UK
15th November, 2010
A DEMENTED TV producer is running his own hellish celebrity-based reality show in the Cambodian jungle, where he is worshipped as a god by natives.
Former I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here producer Walter Kurtz is operating from an abandoned temple surrounded by the severed heads of C-list personalities and guarded by local tribesmen who believe he controls the moon.
Charismatic Kurtz had been one of ITV's most respected producers until six months ago when, during the filming of a Bushtucker Trial in which Esther Rantzen ate a bag of bat sphincters, he stripped naked and ran screaming into the jungle.
Kidnapped cameraman Roy Hobbs, who recently escaped Kurtz's jungle lair on a raft made of bones, said: "He had several dozen celebrities, lured there by the chance to revive their careers, but most have been killed. I can say for certain that when I left Sylvester McCoy, Doctor Alban and Zammo from Grange Hill were still alive.
"Ed Tudor Pole, who you may remember as a punk poet and replacement host of The Crystal Maze, was half-submerged in a bamboo cage but had lost a leg and half an arm.
"I had to film everything, he's going to put the best bits on Youtube then hopefully get a series deal and a major corporate sponsor."
Hobbs described how Kurtz gave the celebrities drinking water laced with LSD and then asked them to answer profound philosophical questions while bobbing for yak testicles in a tub full of Lionel Blair's urine.
He said: "Kurtz believes that by sucking the celebrities into this twisted spiral of depravity he can somehow reveal the darkness at the heart of human nature. Or something like that.
"His methods seem insane but things can get confused out there in the jungle. Boundaries become blurred... morality becomes flexible... Jane from Rod, Jane and Freddy eats Shane Ritchie's eyeballs while dressed in a corset of human livers.
"But is he any worse than the makers of Jedward: Unleashed? I don't know. I don't know anything any more."
A spokesman for ITV said: "We're sending in a special forces operative with a three-series contract before Sky beats us to it."
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